Intelligence is multifaceted
Intelligence is multifaceted
Source: Psychology Today, Mar 2017
In a series of five studies recently published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers Kaitlin Wooley and Ayelet Fishbach at the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business found that the experience of immediate rewards—such as enjoying the taste of a healthy food—predicted, more strongly than anticipated rewards did, how persistent people would be in pursuit of their goals to exercise more; study longer; eat healthier; stick with a new year’s resolution; or sustain a lifestyle change.
It turns out that long-term desires like making the honor roll, getting a promotion, or fitting into a smaller pair of pants fuel the motivation to set goals in the first place.
But after we define that future vision of where we wish to end up, reminding ourselves how badly we want to get there—how much we really want to squeeze into those skinny jeans or earn that raise—does a relatively poor job of keeping us motivated to resist temptation for the weeks or months it will take to achieve the goal.
The Chicago studies found that those who succeed at doing something new are not just those who are better at delaying gratification. Those who succeed are better finding other ways to gratify themselves until they reach that bigger goal.
Instead of simply grinning and bearing the misery of jogging, people who successfully meet their goal of exercising more are the ones who switch to Zumba or find a jogging partner they like talking to everyday.
The grittiest college students aren’t those who constantly sacrifice pleasure by imagining the day they’ll finally get to become an investment banker. They are the students who focus on the satisfaction they feel every time they accumulate a new piece of knowledge or on the immediate pride they feel each time they crack open a book instead of a beer.
This also explains Teresa Amabile’s and Steven Kramer’s discovery that the number one predictor of work engagement is a phenomenon they call “the progress principle.”
At work, we throw ourselves into challenging projects not because our boss blankets us with warm fuzzies or because we think it will add another zero to the east side of our paycheck. More than anything else, people stay engaged in hard work when they feel like they are making progress on a project that matters.
The Chicago studies tell us why. By setting and achieving tiny goals every couple of days, we tap into a constant flow of immediate gratification needed to keep us motivated in pursuit of that distant goal.
Source: Mark Manson blog, Dec 2016
The only reason you should ever be with the person you’re with is because you simply love being around them. It really is that simple.” … everything that makes a relationship “work” (and by work, I mean that it is happy and sustainable for both people involved) requires a genuine, deep-level admiration for each other. Without that mutual admiration, everything else will unravel.
a love that’s alive is also constantly evolving. It expands and contracts and mellows and deepens. It’s not going to be the way it used to be, or the way it will be, and it shouldn’t be. I think if more couples understood that, they’d be less inclined to panic and rush to break up or divorce.”
Romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other’s faults long enough to get some babymaking done. It generally only lasts for a few years at most. .. So, once it’s gone, you need to know that you’ve buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being with, otherwise things are going to get rocky.
True love — that is, deep, abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy — is a choice. It’s a constant commitment to a person regardless of the present circumstances. It’s a commitment to a person who you understand isn’t going to always make you happy — nor should they! — and a person who will need to rely on you at times, just as you will rely on them. … But this form of love is also far more satisfying and meaningful. And, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another series of highs.
“What I can tell you is the #1 thing, most important above all else is respect. It’s not sexual attraction, looks, shared goals, religion or lack of, nor is it love. There are times when you won’t feel love for your partner. That is the truth. But you never want to lose respect for your partner. Once you lose respect you will never get it back.”
the only thing that can save you and your partner, that can cushion you both to the hard landing of human fallibility, is an unerring respect for one another, the fact that you hold each other in high esteem, believe in one another — often more than you each believe in yourselves — and trust that your partner is doing his/her best with what they’ve got.
what this mutual respect means is that we feel safe sharing our deepest, most intimate selves with each other.”
You must also respect yourself. Just as your partner must also respect his/herself. Because without that self-respect, you will not feel worthy of the respect afforded by your partner. You will be unwilling to accept it and you will find ways to undermine it. You will constantly feel the need to compensate and prove yourself worthy of love, which will just backfire.
Respect for your partner and respect for yourself are intertwined. As a reader named Olov put it, “Respect yourself and your wife. Never talk badly to or about her. If you don’t respect your wife, you don’t respect yourself. You chose her – live up to that choice.”
Respect goes hand-in-hand with trust. And trust is the lifeblood of any relationship (romantic or otherwise). Without trust, there can be no sense of intimacy or comfort. Without trust, your partner will become a liability in your mind, something to be avoided and analyzed, not a protective homebase for your heart and your mind.
If something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it. Saying it builds trust and trust builds intimacy. It may hurt, but you still need to do it. No one else can fix your relationship for you. Nor should anyone else. Just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, often introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability is the only way to make the relationship stronger.
Behind respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait for a healthy relationship. Most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity — trust your partner to go off on their own, don’t get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc.
But the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to act in your interest in your absence.
The key to fostering and maintaining trust in the relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable:
“Figure out as individuals what makes you happy as an individual, be happy yourself, then you each bring that to the relationship.”
A healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy individuals. Keyword here: “individuals.” That means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, on their own time.
“Be sure you have a life of your own, otherwise it is harder to have a life together. What do I mean? Have your own interests, your own friends, your own support network, and your own hobbies. Overlap where you can, but not being identical should give you something to talk about and expose one another to. It helps to expand your horizons as a couple, but isn’t so boring as both living the exact same life.”
importance of creating space and separation from one another.
It logically follows that if there is a bedrock of respect for each individual’s interest and values underpinning the relationship, and each individual is encouraged to foster their own growth and development, that each person will, as time goes on, evolve in different and unexpected ways. It’s then up to the couple to communicate and make sure that they are consistently a) aware of the changes going on in their partner, and b) continually accepting and respecting those changes as they occur.
“When you commit to someone, you don’t actually know who you’re committing to. You know who they are today, but you have no idea who this person is going to be in five years, ten years, and so on. You have to be prepared for the unexpected, and truly ask yourself if you admire this person regardless of the superficial (or not-so-superficial) details, because I promise almost all of them at some point are going to either change or go away.”
Successful couples, like unsuccessful couples, he found, fight consistently. And some of them fight furiously.
He has been able to narrow down four characteristics of a couple that tend to lead to divorces (or breakups).
“When you end up being right about something – shut up. You can be right and be quiet at the same time. Your partner will already know you’re right and will feel loved knowing that you didn’t wield it like a bastard sword.”
the most interesting nugget from Gottman’s research is the fact that most successful couples don’t actually resolve all of their problems.
The key here is not changing the other person — as the desire to change your partner is inherently disrespectful (to both them and yourself) — but rather it’s to simply abide by the difference, love them despite it, and when things get a little rough around the edges, to forgive them for it.
the key to happiness is not achieving your lofty dreams, or experiencing some dizzying high, but rather finding the struggles and challenges that you enjoy enduring.
A similar concept seems to be true in relationships: your perfect partner is not someone who creates no problems in the relationship, rather your perfect partner is someone who creates problems in the relationship that you feel good about dealing with.
do you get good at forgiving? What does that actually mean? Again, some advice from the readers:
And finally, pick your battles wisely. You and your partner only have so many fucks to give, make sure you both are saving them for the real things that matter.
Don’t ever stop doing the little things. They add up.
a truth about relationships: sex is the State of the Union. If the relationship is good, the sex will be good. You both will be wanting it and enjoying it. When the relationship is bad — when there are unresolved problems and unaddressed negative emotions — then the sex will often be the first thing to go out the window.
relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. And it’s for the simple reason that they’re comprised of imperfect, messy people — people who want different things at different times in different ways and oh, they forgot to tell you?
The common theme of the advice here was be pragmatic.
I think the most important thing that I have learned in those years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing. Sometimes you feel a deep love and satisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your spouse; sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you’re screaming at each other. It’s like a roller-coaster ride, ups and downs all the time, but as you stay together long enough the downs become less severe and the ups are more loving and contented. So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance. I think people give up too soon. You need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. When you do that it makes a world of difference.”
Source: Business Insider, Mar 2017
“I think big data is so powerful that nation stats will fight over how much data matters,” he told attendees.
“He who has the data can do the analytics and the algorithms … the scale that we talked about will provide huge nation state benefits, in terms of global companies and benefits for their citizens, and so on.”
Source: HBR, Jan 2017
people are far more resilient than they imagine. Like many of us, my students systematically underestimate their resilience in challenging situations. Their fears about being assertive, speaking in public, and networking are a completely unhelpful, inaccurate guide to what it will be like when they actually take the leap and stretch outside their comfort zones.
.. we systematically underestimate our resilience in four ways:
In situations outside our comfort zones, we can feel weak or powerless. But we can leverage the capabilities that we already have inside ourselves to march into unfamiliar situations with confidence. Don’t underestimate how flexible, brave, and capable you actually are. Give it a go, and chances are, you’ll probably end up surprising yourself.
Source: Fast Company, Jan 2017
LEARN HOW TO REDIRECT STRESS
The biggest efficiency killer is stress, says Bach. “When people get stressed out it redirects the blood in their brain and turns off their prefrontal cortex,” he says. “Our amygdala and adrenal glands start firing, and we go into fight or flight mode where our intelligence level drops to that of a monkey. You don’t need deep thought when a mountain lion is attacking you.”
… a protocol called MIR, which stands for measure, interrupt, and replace:
Measure: First, become aware of and measure chronic stressful situations.
Interrupt: Next, redirect or interrupt the brain’s automatic response, which is to go into stress mode under certain triggers.
Replace the reaction with another response, such as laughter or calm.
Imagine the situation and follow it with your positive response. You will need to repeat the process at least 200 times to interrupt the pattern and direct it to a new pathway. Replacing the reaction with something positive rewards the brain and releases dopamine.
CHANGE YOUR LIGHTING
Lighting has a big impact on brain function, and something as simple as having the wrong bulbs could be hurting your cognitive function, says Bach.
“Photo receptors in the brain for light can change your mental state,” he says. “You want lots of blue light in morning in the office, because it gives you energy.
A core insight around productivity is understanding that we go in and out of states of being, and certain states are more productive, says Bach. “Cultivate self awareness about how your productivity waxes and wanes during the day, and become aware of your patterns,” he says. “These are opportunities. When you figure out how to recognize your positive states, you will enhance your productivity.”